I am a bit tired. I could be coming down with something as my nose is a bit runny. Could be allergies. Nonetheless, I ignore it all. I think ‘eh, whatever’ and keep going. Not much stops me from doing what needs to be done.

I went back to sleep this morning, and dreamt. The dream wasn’t peaceful nor disturbing. It didn’t cause restfulness nor restlessness. It was what it was. I dreamt of my life.

It wasn’t exactly my life, you know. It was a bit Alice in Wonderland-ish in that it was reflective of my life and surreal at the same time. I dreamt of what is keeping me from doing my work; the work I want to do. I dreamt of the things taxing my mind at all hours of the day: tasks I must accomplish, jobs I must do, friendships to cultivate, requests to fulfill.

I asked the other day what do people do to remember things that don’t need to be done today, but are wishes to do later. I got many different replies, most of which were lists and notebooks. I have many, many notebooks and make lists several times a day. I profess to be un-organized and in truth am anything but. I plan dinner menus a week in advance; I use several notebooks for different things, some ideas, some journal notes, some study notes, some lists of things to do later; my house is lived in but always leaning toward the spotless side.

Because I am so organized, I tell myself I am not that busy. I should be able to do all of what needs to be done today. It isn’t dissimilar to how I tell myself ‘eh, whatever’ when I don’t feel up to par and keep going. And that is generally what comes to pass; I accomplish what needs to be done.

Therein lies the conundrum and cause of my dream: my wants are not needs.

I know there are many of you who have this same conundrum. We want to make a change in our lives; the whos or whats or hows of it all. And generally we would be content to make small changes in our schedules to accommodate our wants. Those small changes never seem to happen.

I’m old; old enough I should know how I think and how my life works and only now am I learning these things. I can look back and see that the only ‘real’ changes I have ever made in my life were complete changes. There is no gradual with me, only ‘burn the ships’ changes that negate the prospect of ever returning to old habits.

(I know some of you will tell me that I quit smoking that way; I weaned myself off. Which I did. But that was residual physical weaning that took place. In my mind, I made the decision immediately and permanently: I didn’t smoke. In fact, now, it’s hard for me to remember that I did use to smoke. That ship was burnt.)

So how do I reconcile my wants with what needs to be done everyday? What ships am I going to have to burn to become what I want to become?

I must remember that the finish line isn’t the goal, the goal is the race. The finish line is the prize. You can’t get the prize if you aren’t in the race.

Perhaps, I should step up to the line.