I really need to get busy. I am feeling so unorganized and it causes mild anxiety. If I sit and actually try to write down the things I feel I should accomplish today, I realize nothing is pressing and I shouldn’t feel anxious at all. Still, the feeling remains. ..the feeling of impending failure.

Why we do these things to ourselves is a mystery other than we are conditioned to behave a certain way and try to achieve that. Un-conditioning or un-learning what we know is a tough thing to do.

I lived in a box for so many years; a box I created for myself that I thought would keep me safe. That box only kept me away.

(The above was written on Sunday 5.2.10. I didn’t post it, the anxiety was too much. I saved it and post it now with Monday morning rebuttal below)

Away from what? Writing. People. Experiences.

I know, you don’t believe me. You think I have experienced a lot. I suppose that’s true. But the fullness I think I should feel is missing; just half-empty memories that I leave hanging on sign posts and tree limbs as I leave in some lame attempt to ensure recall if I should return.

Can you see that you are now the sum total of everything you have done before? decisions you have made? beliefs you embrace?

We are strange creatures, we humans. Our memories are faulty and our ambitions are lacking in substance. We don’t see past the end of the month, even that is a long way off for some. We live our lives in a whirlwind spinning just fast enough to keep us off balance but slow enough we think we can keep from falling.

The illusion of control.