I need to write.

Perhaps you’ve said something similar to yourself, something that you should be doing because it’s in you to do but for any number of reasons you are not doing that thing. Call it resistance. Call it procrastination. Call it an obstacle; weakness; whatever.

Sometimes I find myself daydreaming about the possibilities of other pursuits. I see what someone else has done and I say to myself “I could do that” or “why don’t I do that?” but deep down…no, not even deep down, shallow, just below the surface, right under the mask I’m trying on… I know that isn’t me. I couldn’t do what that person does. I am not that and yet, I still entertain the thought of different pursuits as if I were 10 years old and I was just told I could be anything.

Sometimes I find myself researching too much. Researching is a nice way of saying I spend too much time on the internet reading. Reading on the internet isn’t the same as reading a book in your hand. A physical book doesn’t come with built-in distractions easily flipping from one page to the next without ever really reading anything. I start out reading about how our brains change what we think we hear to match what we see and end up on a website that tells me the best way to cook pot roast. Not exactly flowing content.

I’ve been weaning myself off this addictive monkey called internet. To survive it needs the only thing it eats: my time. It’s an expensive addiction, one I’m not sure I can afford. Still, I find I cannot leave permanently as I need some of what it has to give. Right now, I’m trying to find the balance while maintaining control.

If I begin writing (which I have done many times) the writing will flow and it will take whatever shape it will and that will shape me.

I know from experience that whatever I focus on becomes my reality, but I must focus with intent and purpose. In hindsight, I’ve done this many times and its always been successful. The wonder and speculation are impediments.

It’s time to go to work.